Love this jpeg ... Peaceful

Greetings! 

Not sure how many are still following my blog, but it doesn't matter anyway. It's been nearly 4 years (April 14th, 2011) since my CABG, and lately I've been feeling kind of strange. It's not that I haven't been taking care of myself. I've dropped nearly 100 lbs since my surgery (I initially gained around 60 lbs following my CABG, and I believe I was depressed and didn't even recognize it!) and I've been working out, running, elliptical, weights, etc. I'm eating well, I'm focusing on my health. 

But I've been having strange pains again, and feelings of depression and high anxiety lately. I can't sleep well, and I'm extremely stressed out, for some reason. I feel as though I'm going to die, in short. Perhaps it's craziness on my part, because I'm sure there's a reason I'm here, and that I made it through that extensive surgery for a reason. But it's a feeling I'm fighting with lately, that feeling of impending doom, so to speak. Anyway, I have an appointment with my cardiologist next week and we'll see what he has to say. 

Just thought I'd post something at this point, as I'm up at this hour on my day off and crying for no reason again. Something is going on psychologically with me, and perhaps it's more than psychological. Perhaps it's Spiritually, as well. Time will tell. In the meantime, be good to yourselves and each other.

Peace <3
Kathi

This is IT! Thinking of Beautiful Rainbows ...

Greetings Friends & Family!  


Wishing you all the happiest and most serene of days as I sail towards the OR this morning! I have yet to prep myself with the final antibacterial shower ... I was grateful to speak with an old friend from high school last evening, who had this surgery many moons ago when he was barely into his 30's, and who lives today a stronger, happier, and healthier man! Thank God for that! He validated my fears and gave me more courage than I dare have this morning!

Rainbows is what I was thinking of this morning upon waking ... rainbows. And that beats the alternative, right? I think thinking of rainbows upon wakening is a wonderful omen: one that assures me God is with me!

Thank you all for your continued support, prayers, and the love I feel surrounding me like a comforting, warm and fluffy blanket! I'm resting assured I will see you or hear from each and everyone of you on the flip side of this! It's true that no matter how routine this surgery is, when you are the candidate for the 'cabbage' or open-heart surgery ... the prospect is definitely scary and intimidating, indeed :) 


Until I can sing, as my cousin's open-heart surgeon sang to him a few years ago: "Welcome back, my friend, to the show that never ends ..." I bid you all an exciting and peaceful day!


Peace, Love, & Blessings to All ~
Kathi  ♥ ♡    ♬♪♫

Day 1 Pre-Surgery ... Another Video

So, I got some more information from my cardiovascular surgeon this morning. First he sent his PA in ... wow! What a hunk of a hottie he is! He discussed options, and I told him that my mother was flying in from Maine tonight so she can be here for my surgery. He said Wednesday they were doing a few 'cabbages' so Thursday may be better. He will talk with the surgeon. 


Get this: He told me not to worry too much. He said he knows it's easier said than done, but "let us worry about everything because we've done this thousands of times" with that big straight-toothed, white grin. The man should have been a model for GQ, not a PA! He wrote me a script for xanax ... hope it helps my anxiety.


I'm scheduled for surgery on Thursday morning ... not sure what to feel or think currently. It seems that these past few days have flown by so swiftly! Wednesday evening I didn't even know I had CAD (coronary artery disease) and Friday morning I was being told I needed CABG (coronary artery bypass graft) How strange is that? I remember the tears pouring down my cheeks as I lay there listening in horror as the cath physician explained my two options ... or death. So surreal.


So, they came up to bring down for a CXR (chest x-ray) and now I'm back in my room just waiting ... waiting ... waiting. Now the time will crawl. OK, the following video is short, real footage, and really interesting ... I would love to watch one (not mine!) someday ... 


Peace, Love, & Blessings to All ✝ ✝


Kathi ♥ ♥ ♬ ♫ ♪

Another Sleepless Night ...

Well, this has been happening for several months now ... this sleeplessness. I go to bed and fall asleep really quickly ... but I awaken hours later with thoughts that won't allow me to go back to sleep. Maybe it's because I've been working night shift for the past 8 months ... or perhaps it's peri-menopause. Whatever it is, it's annoying ...


So, tonight I can't stop thinking about my pending surgery. I can't believe I told the surgeon I wanted to wait 3 (THREE!!) weeks so I could finish up this semester's classes ... am I daft, or simply in denial??? Putting a much needed surgery on hold because I'm not finished with my classes while my heart awaits a much needed bypass so it can be oxygenated and fed appropriately is plain nuts, if I do say so myself ... 


So, I'm thinking about this pending surgery and trying to stay positive. After all, I've so much to live for! My children, my grandsons, my supportive, loving family and wonderful lifelong friends, all my friends, indeed ... I'm hoping (and praying fervently!) that all goes well :) Anyway, I'm one of the most positive thinking people I know ... 


Tonight, I'm merely sleepless ...

Thoughts About My Diagnosis ...

My mind is reeling with thoughts of my heart being stopped while the surgeon removes pieces of the saphenous vein in my leg and bypasses the arteries in my heart. I don't think I've ever been so uneasy about anything in my entire Life ... I wish it were over already and I was in the recovery stage.

I was diagnosed on Friday, April 8th ... 2011. What kind of prank is the Universe playing on me this time? I realize that I've lived my entire adult Life as though there were no history of heart disease or diabetes in both sides of my family, but I'm only 49 years old! I haven't even begun living yet! I just graduated from nursing school a year ago ... changed careers in mid-Life ... is this some type of karmic repayment?

I know, I know ... God doesn't give us anything we can not handle ... and I do believe that. I guess I should be grateful that my dreams (nightmares) and other events led me to the ED on Thursday ... and grateful that my PCP was knowledgable enough to say: "I think I want to do a cardiac catheterization on you to see definitively what's happening in your heart." (Much to my dismay, I might add ... but thank God for smart physicians!)

So, anyway, here's a video that will explain exactly what CABG surgery is and how it is performed ... I found this video interesting, yet quite intimidating ... This is going to be MY surgery ... MY heart being controlled ... MY Life in someone else's hands ...