Love this jpeg ... Peaceful

Greetings! 

Not sure how many are still following my blog, but it doesn't matter anyway. It's been nearly 4 years (April 14th, 2011) since my CABG, and lately I've been feeling kind of strange. It's not that I haven't been taking care of myself. I've dropped nearly 100 lbs since my surgery (I initially gained around 60 lbs following my CABG, and I believe I was depressed and didn't even recognize it!) and I've been working out, running, elliptical, weights, etc. I'm eating well, I'm focusing on my health. 

But I've been having strange pains again, and feelings of depression and high anxiety lately. I can't sleep well, and I'm extremely stressed out, for some reason. I feel as though I'm going to die, in short. Perhaps it's craziness on my part, because I'm sure there's a reason I'm here, and that I made it through that extensive surgery for a reason. But it's a feeling I'm fighting with lately, that feeling of impending doom, so to speak. Anyway, I have an appointment with my cardiologist next week and we'll see what he has to say. 

Just thought I'd post something at this point, as I'm up at this hour on my day off and crying for no reason again. Something is going on psychologically with me, and perhaps it's more than psychological. Perhaps it's Spiritually, as well. Time will tell. In the meantime, be good to yourselves and each other.

Peace <3
Kathi

The End & The Beginning ...

Wow! It's December 1st already and I'm feeling better than I have in a while! This week Linda and I have been on a vegan cleanse with my sister Celeste, my brother John, and another friend Kara. We keep in touch via Facebook in a private group called "21-Day Cleanse" ... it's been wonderful so far! We are barreling towards the end of this year and what a year it's been! So much has happened!


I made a decision this week. After discussing some things with my sister-in-law Martha on Thanksgiving, I decided to make a commitment to my health. Not to wait until 2012 or New Year's Day or even for "Monday" to start, but to begin immediately and move forward one day at a time. My CABG (cabbage) surgery was on April 14th, so on December 14th it will have been exactly 8 months. My surgeon informed me that it would take approximately one year to feel up to par and back to normal again ~ whatever 'normal' means LOL ... one year will take us up to April 14th 2012!!! Unbelievable!!! 


I have decided to begin some hard core training for mini-triathalons in 2012. Naturally, I need to reduce some of this excess weight, but as I train I am confident that the weight will begin to fall off steadily. Currently, I'm on a vegan cleanse for the next 15 days. I did this same cleanse last August (2010) and did not feel as good as I do now, but that may be because I was already struggling with four blocked coronary arteries at that time. 


I do feel much better now than I did last year and I'm certain that as I continue to reduce and train, I will feel a little better each day! I hope that you are all in on supporting me in my endeavors this year. I would definitely be there for you all if the situation was reversed, that is for sure! 


Thank you all in advance! 
Peace, Love, Happiness!


Kathi 

I Found Out ...

I am currently 8 weeks post-op and just realized this week how very extensive this open-heart surgery really is. I truly thought I'd be up and about like nothing had happened by now and would be running back to work within a month and a half or two months. My body has reacted tremendously to let me know that I'm not superhuman and to put me in my place but good!

I went up north to visit with my children, family, and little grandsons last week. I thought everything was going to be great, and actually it was. The only thing that hit me like a ton of bricks was the fact that after walking around the Bangor Children's Museum for two hours with my 4 year old grandson, I was pretty exhausted! I wonder how I'm supposed to go back to working 12 hours shifts now when I spend the majority of my time on my feet there? It made me really start thinking about the magnitude of my surgery and what my poor body (and mind!) has been through in the past two months!

I'm not sure I'm ready now to attempt those 12 hour shifts yet. Thank God HR understands ... besides all that, the hole that developed in the bottom of my incision 3 weeks post-op is still there, and I continue to pack it twice daily. It is closing slowly but surely, though. I see my surgeon again on Wednesday, and hopefully for the last time this time for good. 

I'm going to start Phase II of my cardiac rehabilitation as well, as I got a call from the Heart Hospital regarding such yesterday. I wasn't going to do cardiac rehab because my surgeon told me I may be bored with it being so young, but the person who called me regarding it explained that I would be continuously monitored (my heart rate, etc.) whilst exercising and it might be an advantage for me. I'm actually a little leery about going back to the gym on my own currently, and that's one of the main reasons I haven't gone yet. Not to mention that I can't swim with the incision the way it is, so it would be a moot point since I truly enjoy swimming at the gym. I guess I'm a bit worried about my heart when I begin my exercise regime again, and with good reason I suppose. So being monitored in the beginning will be a wonderful thing for me, at first.

Enough for today! God Bless all!

Plant-Based Diets

Well, now, I've been reading a book a dear friend of the family gave to me following my surgery. It's titled "Dr. Dean Ornish's Program for Reversing Heart Disease" and it's quite eye-opening. Not only is the man intelligent and a cardiologist, he incorporates all aspects of dis-ease in the process of reversal, including those spiritual and emotional aspects. In other words, his program is not just about the medical and physiological aspects of heart disease. 


So far, I've learned quite a bit and more has been validated for me in reading just the first few chapters of his book. He writes in terms even a lay person can understand, and he has a great sense of humor, as well. The book is laid out well, and also has many recipes (plant-based & healthy) in the back of the book for easy access. I would recommend this book to anyone who is genetically inclined toward CAD (coronary artery disease) or who has been diagnosed with hypertension or hypercholesterolemia. 

New Day, New Dawn

It is going on the 10th day post-op for me and I've been re-evaluating my Life each and every day. There is not much else to do, except read or watch television, actually, so taking the time to be more introspective has actually been a blessing for me. I've talked with my sister a little about this, as well. My Mom & my baby sister, Lisa, came down to help me out after surgery. One can count on family to help out in times of crisis ... and that is all one can count on. Thank God I have family who is willing to help. When Lisa leaves, I will be alone again during the days, but I will manage. One thing I know for sure is that I am a strong woman and I am roaring as I type :)


I'm not going to write much today, even though I haven't posted for a while now. I have a doctor's appointment today, which my sister will bring me to. (Not sure when they'll let me drive again, but hopefully soon!) I have some major changes in my Life I'm considering now ... especially in my Spiritual Life. These will be considered and discussed at a later date. Currently, I'm focused on healing and will discuss health issues with my PCP today when I see him. Just resting, healing, and getting stronger every day. 

DAY III POST OP

Okay, so I was a little out of it yesterday what with being short of breath and tachycardic post op, so I didn't have the energy to blog on Post Op Day II.  My cardiologist changed my medications to decrease my heart rate and to flush the fluid out of my body (gained 10 lbs of fluid in one day post op!)  ... he's the best cardiologist around. Met my surgeon's partner ... he talked to his cell phone most of the time ... talk about bedside manner ... lmao!


But now I'm on the flip side and I'm feeling better and stronger each day. Just want to keep moving forward ... I would now be an awesome cardiac nurse since I've been there, done that! Who could deny that fact? You really tend to learn a lot about cardiology when you're the patient :) So yesterday I was scared to death when my cardiologist ordered STAT tests: echo doppler, ABG's, etc. I was mortified and behaved in such a way that was conducive to FEAR! LOL But I'm sure I'm forgiven ... it would be best if docs would 'splain things first and then order STAT tests. 


I've been told he coddles his heart patients ... and I'm beginning to see that. He's a fabulous physician and he knows his stuff. He's been my doctor for 8 years ... and that is precisely why I came to Bethesda rather than Delray. He no longer goes to Delray ... only Bethesda and JFK, but naturally prefers Bethesda. Who wouldn't?


Well, I'm about spent now. Hope you all have sunshiny days!!


Peace, Love, and Blessings
Kathi xoxo

Nearly Ground Zero ...

Greetings & Salutations!

Remember that from "Charlotte's Web" when you were a kid? How I loved reading about Charlotte's ingenuity and creativity! Even though I loathed spiders back then ... those creepy, crawly multi-legged insects (shivering just thinking about them!) I adored Charlotte and her tenacity and loyalty to her friend, Wilbur the little pig who did not want to spend time at the butcher's ... EVER! 

What a lovely children's story it is :) I'm thinking happy thoughts tonight because it beats the alternative ... haha! Will I sleep this evening? I highly doubt it ... but perhaps I'll sleep tomorrow with loads of anesthesia in my system. Before it gets too late, I need to call an old friend ... 

So, they'll be stopping my heart and sewing new arteries/veins onto my aorta and coronary arteries to make blood flow possible within the myocardium tomorrow. Surgeon estimates it will take approximately 2 hours to bypass four vessels ... he HAS to be pretty much an expert. This is Dr. Geoffry Lynn ... he's the Medical Director here at Bethesda Heart Institute. I'm putting a link here so anyone can peruse the Bethesda site ... it's an absolutely beautiful facility that is only 3 years old. This is a not-for-profit facility, Bethesda Memorial Hospital. 

My Hospital & Surgeon

Peace, Love, & Blessings All ~

Kathi  ♥ ♡  ♫♪♬

Day 1 Pre-Surgery ... Another Video

So, I got some more information from my cardiovascular surgeon this morning. First he sent his PA in ... wow! What a hunk of a hottie he is! He discussed options, and I told him that my mother was flying in from Maine tonight so she can be here for my surgery. He said Wednesday they were doing a few 'cabbages' so Thursday may be better. He will talk with the surgeon. 


Get this: He told me not to worry too much. He said he knows it's easier said than done, but "let us worry about everything because we've done this thousands of times" with that big straight-toothed, white grin. The man should have been a model for GQ, not a PA! He wrote me a script for xanax ... hope it helps my anxiety.


I'm scheduled for surgery on Thursday morning ... not sure what to feel or think currently. It seems that these past few days have flown by so swiftly! Wednesday evening I didn't even know I had CAD (coronary artery disease) and Friday morning I was being told I needed CABG (coronary artery bypass graft) How strange is that? I remember the tears pouring down my cheeks as I lay there listening in horror as the cath physician explained my two options ... or death. So surreal.


So, they came up to bring down for a CXR (chest x-ray) and now I'm back in my room just waiting ... waiting ... waiting. Now the time will crawl. OK, the following video is short, real footage, and really interesting ... I would love to watch one (not mine!) someday ... 


Peace, Love, & Blessings to All ✝ ✝


Kathi ♥ ♥ ♬ ♫ ♪

Day 4 Post-Diagnosis ...

Pictured in this photo are my two lovely children DJ and Katie ... this was taken many years ago when we lived in Las Vegas around Christmas. Now my babies are grown adults ... but they'll always remain in my hearts as my babies :)

I was doing what I needed to do yesterday and began having chest pains again. Thank God for my friend Julie (fondly, 'Jules') and my baby sister Lisa ... (fondly, 'Teensie') for staying on the phone with me and keeping me sane in the moment! Julie sped up from Deerfield to bring me to the hospital because the ambulance would not take me to the hospital of my choice ... where my doctors practice ... can you believe that? And they have the audacity to charge $300.00 for the ride!!!

Anyway, I'm safe and sound for now at the Heart Institute at Bethesda in Boynton Beach ... when I took a walk earlier in the halls I noticed that from this floor I can see the ocean ... magnificent! I'm grateful for my family and friends tonight. I'm even grateful for the nitro-patch that's giving me the headache ... lol. I'm grateful for my son and daughter ... they've brought many bouts of laughter to my Life, as well as joy and unconditional love only a mother can feel for her offspring :) Oh, and some tears, too ... the whole spectrum of feelings are wrapped in a beautiful package called Motherhood ... 


So, my surgeon will be coming to chat with me in the morning ... it's currently around 2 AM and it seems I'm up again for a while :( Not sure if they're going to do the surgery on Wednesday or Thursday ... still anxious, scared ... but I know I have absolutely no control and am feeling positive in the fact that that 'voice' which urged me to come to the ED in the first place last Thursday was one of my Guardian Angels. I would not have been directed to come and find out about these occlusions in the first place if I was meant to leave this Earth plane so soon ... 


No, it's obvious that there is still work to be done here! I am woman, hear me roar ... lol. So, I'm gonna try to get some sleep now. I have a long day ahead tomorrow ... and my Mom is flying down from Maine tomorrow to be here for my surgery. Wow ... you'd never know she's 72 years old, that Mother of mine! What stamina! What a picture of health! She rocks!
Sweet Dreams all ... more to come!
Kathi ♡

Day 3 Post-Diagnosis ...

I got up so early this morning, even though I was up until about 2AM ... it's so strange, this sleeplessness. As a writer, it helps when I can express my thoughts and feelings in writing. So, this morning I wrote a poem about what is happening currently. By nature, I'm pretty private, so it's kind of alien to me to be sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings regarding this situation. I pray that my blog can help others who are young and vibrant and full of Life ... who also have to face their mortality with open heart surgery.


Today, I need to connect with my surgeon, my cardiologist, my endocrinologist, and my advisor at University to set up my surgery date. The sooner the better, I'm thinking.  Like a fool hanging on the edge of the precipice, I was going to finish this semester prior to having this Life saving surgery ... I guess I wasn't thinking correctly in the moment. My classes can wait! My heart, indeed my LIFE, takes precedence over classes no matter what!


My heart has been palpitating and squeezing since I was discharged from the Heart Institute on Saturday. I think it's anxiety ... understandably, I suppose. I've been arming myself with knowledge about this surgery and dismissing any and all negative comments or input in regard to my past Lifestyle choices (such as poor eating habits and smoking), as today is a new day and the past is the past and that is why it's over and DONE! I take care of my Self with nurturing and caring. 


I've found that there is a plethora of information out there in the forms of videos and websites about CABG surgery. It's amazing what you can find when you set out to research certain things. Hope you all have a great day! I'm aiming to ❥ ☀


Karma's Knocking on My Door
Copyright: © WolfDancer Publishing/Kathi Rancourt 2011

Karma’s knocking on my door, inviting itself in …

Tarnishing my happy thoughts, creating a black sin

Karma’s standing on my toes – It’s shouting in my ear

Denial is not working now - I’m overwhelmed with fear.

God of Light and God of Love shine through my weakened Soul

Wrap me in Your Divine Light, help me to be whole

Fill me with your tenderness, forgive my human ways

Guide me through each long, dark night and walk with me by day

Coming face to face with my mortality is nigh

Facing facts with courage keeps my Spirit burning high

My Life is in a stranger’s hands – no longer my control

has power in my meager Life – please hold my tired Soul

Please keep me safe, if that’s Your Plan - keep me in Your care

Help me know You are with me, that You are everywhere.

Karma’s knocking on my door – inviting itself in …

I’ll face this with empowerment – with God I know I’ll win

Peace, Joy, & Love to all 

Kathi ♥ ♫♪♬

Another Sleepless Night ...

Well, this has been happening for several months now ... this sleeplessness. I go to bed and fall asleep really quickly ... but I awaken hours later with thoughts that won't allow me to go back to sleep. Maybe it's because I've been working night shift for the past 8 months ... or perhaps it's peri-menopause. Whatever it is, it's annoying ...


So, tonight I can't stop thinking about my pending surgery. I can't believe I told the surgeon I wanted to wait 3 (THREE!!) weeks so I could finish up this semester's classes ... am I daft, or simply in denial??? Putting a much needed surgery on hold because I'm not finished with my classes while my heart awaits a much needed bypass so it can be oxygenated and fed appropriately is plain nuts, if I do say so myself ... 


So, I'm thinking about this pending surgery and trying to stay positive. After all, I've so much to live for! My children, my grandsons, my supportive, loving family and wonderful lifelong friends, all my friends, indeed ... I'm hoping (and praying fervently!) that all goes well :) Anyway, I'm one of the most positive thinking people I know ... 


Tonight, I'm merely sleepless ...

Thoughts About My Diagnosis ...

My mind is reeling with thoughts of my heart being stopped while the surgeon removes pieces of the saphenous vein in my leg and bypasses the arteries in my heart. I don't think I've ever been so uneasy about anything in my entire Life ... I wish it were over already and I was in the recovery stage.

I was diagnosed on Friday, April 8th ... 2011. What kind of prank is the Universe playing on me this time? I realize that I've lived my entire adult Life as though there were no history of heart disease or diabetes in both sides of my family, but I'm only 49 years old! I haven't even begun living yet! I just graduated from nursing school a year ago ... changed careers in mid-Life ... is this some type of karmic repayment?

I know, I know ... God doesn't give us anything we can not handle ... and I do believe that. I guess I should be grateful that my dreams (nightmares) and other events led me to the ED on Thursday ... and grateful that my PCP was knowledgable enough to say: "I think I want to do a cardiac catheterization on you to see definitively what's happening in your heart." (Much to my dismay, I might add ... but thank God for smart physicians!)

So, anyway, here's a video that will explain exactly what CABG surgery is and how it is performed ... I found this video interesting, yet quite intimidating ... This is going to be MY surgery ... MY heart being controlled ... MY Life in someone else's hands ...