Day 3 Post-Diagnosis ...

I got up so early this morning, even though I was up until about 2AM ... it's so strange, this sleeplessness. As a writer, it helps when I can express my thoughts and feelings in writing. So, this morning I wrote a poem about what is happening currently. By nature, I'm pretty private, so it's kind of alien to me to be sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings regarding this situation. I pray that my blog can help others who are young and vibrant and full of Life ... who also have to face their mortality with open heart surgery.


Today, I need to connect with my surgeon, my cardiologist, my endocrinologist, and my advisor at University to set up my surgery date. The sooner the better, I'm thinking.  Like a fool hanging on the edge of the precipice, I was going to finish this semester prior to having this Life saving surgery ... I guess I wasn't thinking correctly in the moment. My classes can wait! My heart, indeed my LIFE, takes precedence over classes no matter what!


My heart has been palpitating and squeezing since I was discharged from the Heart Institute on Saturday. I think it's anxiety ... understandably, I suppose. I've been arming myself with knowledge about this surgery and dismissing any and all negative comments or input in regard to my past Lifestyle choices (such as poor eating habits and smoking), as today is a new day and the past is the past and that is why it's over and DONE! I take care of my Self with nurturing and caring. 


I've found that there is a plethora of information out there in the forms of videos and websites about CABG surgery. It's amazing what you can find when you set out to research certain things. Hope you all have a great day! I'm aiming to ❥ ☀


Karma's Knocking on My Door
Copyright: © WolfDancer Publishing/Kathi Rancourt 2011

Karma’s knocking on my door, inviting itself in …

Tarnishing my happy thoughts, creating a black sin

Karma’s standing on my toes – It’s shouting in my ear

Denial is not working now - I’m overwhelmed with fear.

God of Light and God of Love shine through my weakened Soul

Wrap me in Your Divine Light, help me to be whole

Fill me with your tenderness, forgive my human ways

Guide me through each long, dark night and walk with me by day

Coming face to face with my mortality is nigh

Facing facts with courage keeps my Spirit burning high

My Life is in a stranger’s hands – no longer my control

has power in my meager Life – please hold my tired Soul

Please keep me safe, if that’s Your Plan - keep me in Your care

Help me know You are with me, that You are everywhere.

Karma’s knocking on my door – inviting itself in …

I’ll face this with empowerment – with God I know I’ll win

Peace, Joy, & Love to all 

Kathi ♥ ♫♪♬

Another Sleepless Night ...

Well, this has been happening for several months now ... this sleeplessness. I go to bed and fall asleep really quickly ... but I awaken hours later with thoughts that won't allow me to go back to sleep. Maybe it's because I've been working night shift for the past 8 months ... or perhaps it's peri-menopause. Whatever it is, it's annoying ...


So, tonight I can't stop thinking about my pending surgery. I can't believe I told the surgeon I wanted to wait 3 (THREE!!) weeks so I could finish up this semester's classes ... am I daft, or simply in denial??? Putting a much needed surgery on hold because I'm not finished with my classes while my heart awaits a much needed bypass so it can be oxygenated and fed appropriately is plain nuts, if I do say so myself ... 


So, I'm thinking about this pending surgery and trying to stay positive. After all, I've so much to live for! My children, my grandsons, my supportive, loving family and wonderful lifelong friends, all my friends, indeed ... I'm hoping (and praying fervently!) that all goes well :) Anyway, I'm one of the most positive thinking people I know ... 


Tonight, I'm merely sleepless ...