Love this jpeg ... Peaceful

Greetings! 

Not sure how many are still following my blog, but it doesn't matter anyway. It's been nearly 4 years (April 14th, 2011) since my CABG, and lately I've been feeling kind of strange. It's not that I haven't been taking care of myself. I've dropped nearly 100 lbs since my surgery (I initially gained around 60 lbs following my CABG, and I believe I was depressed and didn't even recognize it!) and I've been working out, running, elliptical, weights, etc. I'm eating well, I'm focusing on my health. 

But I've been having strange pains again, and feelings of depression and high anxiety lately. I can't sleep well, and I'm extremely stressed out, for some reason. I feel as though I'm going to die, in short. Perhaps it's craziness on my part, because I'm sure there's a reason I'm here, and that I made it through that extensive surgery for a reason. But it's a feeling I'm fighting with lately, that feeling of impending doom, so to speak. Anyway, I have an appointment with my cardiologist next week and we'll see what he has to say. 

Just thought I'd post something at this point, as I'm up at this hour on my day off and crying for no reason again. Something is going on psychologically with me, and perhaps it's more than psychological. Perhaps it's Spiritually, as well. Time will tell. In the meantime, be good to yourselves and each other.

Peace <3
Kathi

Striving to be Our Authentic Selves ...

"The journey of consciousness, of mysticism, is to come to know yourself and your own motivations.'" ~ Caroline Myss

For many of us, Life is about striving to become our True and Authentic Selves. It's about being able to laugh at our mistakes, because if we live as authentically as we can we instinctively know there are no mistakes, only different paths to choose from. One day we may choose the path to the right, the next we choose a path to the left. Striving to be our True Authentic Self is living freely, with deep joy, serenity, and peace despite those who attempt to block our happiness. 


There are no regrets or guilt about the Past, because the Past is long gone. There are no worries about the Future,  because the Future is yet to come. There is only contentedness in the Present, in the moment, because it is where we know we belong. When we are striving to be our Authentic Self, we stand fast, honoring the Past and the Future, but with our feet firmly planted in the Present.


Some will attempt to bump us out of our peace, by intentionally attempting to hurt us with words, actions, thoughts. But because we are steadfast in our desire to be our True Authentic Self, we move forward with ease and joy, leaving those negative Souls in the Past. We choose not to associate with those who wish to constantly hurt us time and again. Our internal compass guides us along, as we walk hand in hand with our Higher Power, on our Journey to becoming our Authentic Self.


We are free from the ties that bind us to those who want to squelch our happiness,  because we are choosing our Authenticity. We know deeply that our love for them, for all, is unconditional, but we also remain discerning in not allowing our Authentic Self to step into the web of intricately woven resentments and negativity that some weave around themselves and attempt to snag us in. We are striving to be Authentic, and in striving to Be, we are. We let those negative Souls go, with love, peace, and understanding. No longer do we allow their poison to affect us in any way. We simply allow them to Be.


Striving to be our Authentic Self is a Journey, a Sacred Chore ... it is internal and external work. Internal and external changes must be navigated with the assistance of our Higher Powers. We must live in constant awareness of our actions, words, thoughts. We must monitor our emotions carefully. We must be aware of all our human emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, fear ... and carefully weave our way through each when necessary. Emotions are never right or wrong, they just are. And when we are striving to become our Authentic Self, we need to learn to work with them, not against them. 


In becoming our Authentic Self, we need to learn everything about our Self. What is it we enjoy, what will we tolerate, what will we not tolerate, who do we want to embrace in our sacred circle, what are our likes and dislikes  ... indeed, we need to become our own best friend. We need to learn to be as comfortable with our Selves as we can be. 


Blessings & Love, my friends ... 
Namasté.

An Excerpt from my Upcoming Book ...

This lovely photograph states: "If you don't believe in miracles, perhaps you've forgotten you are one ..." From notsalmon.com

Today, while I listen to the rain falling in torrential sheets outside the open French doors that lead out to the lanai, I am contemplating the perfectly imperfect Life I've lived thus far. I've been through many trials and tribulations in my Lifetime, and yet have emerged ... no, not emerged ... PUNCHED through the darkness to reach the Lighter side of Living again and again ...


I could have blamed my parents for the numerous negative feelings and emotions and hell that my childhood produced. Those emotions and destructive behavioral patterns plagued me throughout my teen years, even into young adult hood and beyond. 

There is nothing so pure, so perfect, so unconditional and righteous on this Earth ... as a Mother's Love. No one can ever love you as your Mother does. Forever.

I continue to struggle with some of the issues that now blatantly obscure my insight and judgement at times still ... but that I have become much more aware of in the past 20-25 years or so; since my heart, mind, and Soul have opened and I have learned to take responsibility for my own happiness. I could have blamed my parents and I could have been the world's nastiest, most angry bitch! But I did not blame them, and I have not become the world's nastiest, most angry bitch. 

Beauty and serenity are found within your Soul, within your Heart ... 

Rather, I drank my dark secrets away for many years in my teenage years and early adulthood. I chose to leave a situation that I was extremely unhappy in, when I was in my early 20's, working as a nursing assistant for a mere $4.50/hour while supporting my two young children alone. My son was only 2 years old, my daughter an infant of 3 months old when I decided that I didn't want to raise them in a mutually abusive, negative situation any longer.

Nor did I want to remain miserable myself,  just so my children could be raised in a two parent family. And because of the trust issues I already had with men pertaining to the incest and sexual abuse experienced in my childhood, I could not fathom raising my children with a man who was not their father, for fear they may suffer some abuse, as well. When I left my marriage, I did so with the idea that I would be raising my children alone, at least until they were a little older. I stayed out of relationships for 6 years following my divorce, until my youngest child was 7 years old. And then, I entered my first Lesbian relationship.

I was a young woman of only 23 years when I left my husband in May of 1985. Basically, I had absolutely no support, emotional or otherwise. My friends were all busy raising their own families. My mother and step-father were busy with their own lives, and shortly after I left my unhealthy marriage, they took my two youngest brothers and moved 3,000 miles away to Las Vegas. My siblings did not keep in touch, they had their own lives and were too busy for me and my children, for the most part. 

Forge ahead no matter how difficult the road is ... we have many obstacles to overcome in Life, but if we just keep putting one foot in front of the other, we will survive!

But I forged ahead, as I have always forged ahead. I do not regret anything from the past, as I have learned more about my Self along the way than most people learn in a Lifetime! I have seen people remain in miserable marriages and make everyone around them as miserable as they feel inside. Thank you, that is NOT for me ... not then, not now! 

I have always trusted that Something Greater had my world in very powerful hands ...

Life is difficult enough without having to put on a mask to pretend that you are happy in a dead end marriage 'for the sake of the children'. Thanks, but no thanks! Anyway, you never fool the children. Children are much more uncluttered and perceptive than adults ever could be! They know when their parents are unhappy. 

Besides, I chose to become my more Authentic Self and I chose to do that on my own ... no matter what.

Blessings ~
Kathi xoxox